We closed on our first house the day before Halloween. House-buddy knew getting a makeover was his destiny, so he staged the house accordingly.
The fossilized remains of feline fecal nastiness served as carpet ornamentation. Perhaps they should have tried to sell it as “reclaimed” pet artifacts. Clearly HomeKitty poops at parties. Carefully traverse the landmines of moria, through the none-shall-pass walkway overlooking the foyer (pronounced foi-yay – so bougie) and enter master bedroom. Master is dressed up like a Coastal Louisiana Oil Spill (what’s up gaping black spot). Nothing the ghost of Billy Mays couldn’t OxiClean-up (you savage).
Backtrack into other-friendly-bedroom and discover OFB’s costume is Harry Potter & Friends via stickers slash wall decals. At the end of the hall, the bonus room is reminiscent of a maroon & marooned Rainbow Road. Cruise back through kitty plop city and notice the dining room has been painted a lovely shade of bile with meconium colored trim. Translation: we bought a short sale. You know, when the seller is in a tight spot with mortgage payments or the value of the house has dropped and the Lien holder legally agrees to allow the sale of the house for net less than the sum of debt. Are all short sales well-fertilized? No way. This one just happened to be “as-is” with tenants who received a surprise note in the mail to get out and had to run like a tod’ out of time-out.
We close on said house and observe the greatest gonzo of monies our bank account has ever seen. Logic kicks in and we hit up Floor & Decor to purchase approximately 1,000 square feet of the sexiest rustic-looking laminate flooring we could find. Similar aesthetic to this option without the hand scraping. For $1.59 per square foot, we got a steal of a deal. For those of you with 2nd & 3rd grade selective memory loss, we’re talking $1,590. You know we were eyeing solid hardwoods, but at $4-$10 per SqFt the returns are diminishing and we didn’t want to over-improve for our neighborhood.
Great news: F&D offers free classes on how to do flooring for chumps. I go to 2 classes: installing wood/laminate floors and a class on tiling. The tradesman infuses billowing over-confidence into my fragile psyche, and I might as well have been driving home with my residential contractor’s license (impossible).
Here are a few gorgeous, rustic, super thick (10 mm) laminate flooring options at Home Depot:
Pergo XP Rustic Grey Oak 10 mm Thick x 6-1/8 in. Wide x 54-11/32 in. Length Laminate Flooring:
Pergo Outlast+ Molasses Maple 10 mm Thick x 6-1/8 in. Wide x 47-1/4 in. Length Laminate Flooring:
Pergo Outlast+ Antique Cherry 10 mm Thick x 6-1/8 in. Wide x 47-1/4 in. Length Laminate Flooring:
Pergo Outlast+ Chestnut Brown 10mm Thick x 6-1/8 in. Wide x 47-1/4 in. Length Laminate Flooring:
Pergo Outlast+ Lawrence Chestnut 10mm Thick x 6-1/8 in. Wide x 47-1/4 in. Length Laminate Flooring:
The lovely carpet.
We hand-dominated all 750 pounds of upstairs carpet (the local dump weighed it) and painstakingly removed the approx 10,000 staples left over from the OG carpet install, and proceeded to install the new floor.
Underlayment.
Before laying the flooring, the long green foamy sheets of underlayment must go down over every square inch of plywood subfloor for 3 reasons:
- moisture membrane.
- Prevents any water / moisture from seeping through the flooring into the subfloor to cause wood rot or mold.
- sound barrier.
- The membrane slightly compresses with every step, dampening the sound carried into other rooms and to the first floor beneath.
- compression to allow for a softer step.
- You experience stepping on a hint of cushion instead of a rock hard surface. Perhaps more pleasant to your body ergonomics over time.
As we unrolled each sheet, we taped the seams to ensure zero movement AND to accommodate “our” one per day off-brand Yeti water whoops (let’s be honest, is always Liz. She’s a serial spiller). These bad boys are currently $0.60 per square foot or $59.98 per roll. $600 for our 1k SqFt. Home Depot’s version here.
Laminate flooring install.
After covering the entire upstairs floor with underlayment, next up was the wide-plank, almost ½ inch thick aforementioned lam-lam. We started parallel to the front master bedroom wall and naïvely decided the entire level of the house would be floor-transition-free. Namely to get that Chris Hemsworth flow. I mean let’s be realistic here: houses are built by artisans, every framed wall is meticulously measured and plumbed prior to install, therefore my house pretty much has to be perfectly square, right? There-therefore (unenglish), the laminate will be parallel to every front & back wall in every room. And get this: these little melamine resin fiber-board ROI lovelies have a built-in tongue and groove for “ease of installation.” I am SOLD. It’s gonna be a wham-bam-thank-you-lam. 1 week tops. Piece of juicy advice: renovation will take exactly the amount of time you forecast, so go ahead and plan to host a party immediately following your planned completion date.
The move-in.
Just about a month later we move in! Not only that, but we exceeded flooing installation goal by -400%! Yeah, that’s a negative sign. We finished the master bedroom, short hallway to the master and the front facing guest-room. 2 more guest rooms and one long hallway to go (piece of cake). Granted, we were fitting in this renovation in between both working full times jobs, a couple of planned trips and other shenanigans, but still. Lesson learned on underestimating renovation timelines.
Miraculous side note: when you renovate, the busyness of life comes to a screeching halt, and all of your domestic obligations seem to vanish. However, I’m immune to normalcy and passively opted to take another 6 freaking months to finish the floor. Liz was thrilled by the unsolicited character building exercise. Convenient disclaimer: flooring wholesalers secure an endless supply of every floor type, color, texture, width and brand. Lies. They do not. So if you run out of flooring in the final room with only three rows to go and this reno has already taken about ¼ of your special friend’s sanity, you may try to save her the trouble by calling the manufacturer and asking for a few more boxes. But then maybe they don’t make that type anymore. Boo-thang stepped in at that point and after checking multiple big box and local flooring stores, she was unable to find anything that matched. The only place we could find more of the original flooring was a supplier in California. After paying for the non-discounted flooring and shipping CA–>GA, we spent at least 20% more than we planned on the flooring project. Lesson learned: renos always come in under budget. Especially if your project requires 25 dang percent more than the actual square footage (10-20% is the norm). *facepalm*.
A few hundred dollars over budget. 24 times as long as expected. A few polite marital conversations with instant agreeability. Some DIY skills effortlessly learned. Did we forsake all future renovation? Heck no. The floors looked awesome and offered equity, validated by our accidental flip 4 years later. The voluminous amount of money saved compared to hiring a contractor, the learning, the complete customization and the fun along the way – now we’re officially addicted to reno. Stay tuned for countless other project knavery in upcoming posts.
P.S. Who needs marriage counseling when you’re engrossed in home rehabilitation? If you’re one who thinks, “say, we’re kind of stagnant and don’t engage in enough conflict or communicative strain,” then property restoration is for you.
